Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
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Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa