If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
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Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Goodnight 🐶
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis