The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
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Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
english majors be like furthermore
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit