When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.