When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
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Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
what it’s like dating me:
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler