Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.