*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Not all heroes wear capes….
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Ironic
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.