DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
You Might Also Like
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Muppet Screams
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
good morning
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit