As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *