Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I cannot call her anything else now
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.