I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
You Might Also Like
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Mistakes were made
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Erm I’m gonna say no
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Breaking news:
need him
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.