Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
You Might Also Like
mechanics be like
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I was up all night reading about insomnia
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
The options really are this bad
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar