Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
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Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”