a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
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*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.