REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
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Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!