Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
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CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Beware of fowl play.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not