Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
CUTE CAT‼︎
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Lassie, get help!
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared