but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
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A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
❤️❤️❤️
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
From my Mom
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.