my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
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not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work