Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
It’s the weekend y’all
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Worth a try