Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
how to market bottled water to dads
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers