4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
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[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.