[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”