Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
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ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Sorry. Not sorry
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Pat is about to own someone
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”