I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
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Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
2023 was just a warmup
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say