“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
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My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws