me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
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WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Worst bar ever.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.