My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
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*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
they really do be looking like this
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…