Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
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Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
new year update: losing everything but weight
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too