. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
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Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*