Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
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#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.