A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
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Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
remember
only for emergencies
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.