TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
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The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔