You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
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bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
🤣🤣🤣🤣
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Yes, but it was never about money