“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
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I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I love it all
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Ugh
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?