If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
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Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
My safe word is Worcestershire
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE