*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
a lot to unpack here
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Not today
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Coffee for people with no kids
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.