Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
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These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-