After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
You wish you had this many chins.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.