Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
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The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
An odd boast
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it