FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here