Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing