Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I am patiently waiting for your email
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.