man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.