Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.