me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I told my vodka about you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!