*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
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I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
found this cool rock hiking today
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.