me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Schrödinger’s cookie
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When your parents check you’re ok.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?