dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
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I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
all that yoga finally paid off
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.