The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”